


Happiness is a butterfly

by wdjackies



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Jacey - Freeform, Oblivious, Slow Burn, everyone is gay because i say so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:40:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29717295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wdjackies/pseuds/wdjackies
Summary: A fic in which Joey, Jen, Pacey and Jack live in a child's home and grow up together.
Relationships: Jack McPhee/Joey Potter, Jack McPhee/Pacey Witter, Jen Lindley & Jack McPhee, Jen Lindley/Andie McPhee/Joey Potter/Pacey Witter, Jen Lindley/Jack McPhee, Jen Lindley/Jack McPhee/Pacey Witter/Joey Potter, Jen Lindley/Joey Potter, Jen Lindley/Joey Potter/Pacey Witter, Jen Lindley/Pacey Witter, Joey Potter & Pacey Witter, Joey Potter/Pacey Witter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Little League

_I never thought that everything I had_   
_would fade away._   
_When we were younger_   
_we didn’t know how it would be,_   
_we were the dumb, the wild, the free_   
_Little league._

The kids at St. Louise weren’t that interesting to the girl in the yellow jacket, somehow, they didn’t quite look like she’d imagined them to be; they looked similar to one another, it was the little details that helped her understand which one was who. She had just been introduced to them obviously, but she had already made up nicknames for a few of them, the ones who seemed to pick her interest at least.

She was taken to the orphanage on a sunny Saturday, she loved sunny days when she could lay around looking at the blue sky and absorbing the warmth of the sun as the sunlight hit her whole body, so it was a shock for little Joey Potter when a strange looking lady came to her house and told her that her family had been killed in a car crash and that since she had no one else who’d be willing to take care of her the only option there was was to be taken to the orphanage and that’s what they did. That day, although sunny, was the saddest day of her life; she had to pack a few of her things up and the old lady didn’t give her enough time to do so and kept telling her to hurry up and make sure not to take too much with her, it wouldn’t have been of use anyway.

“Come along child, we have a long ride ahead of us.” The lady told her, patting her back and walking out of the house, expecting the little brunette girl to follow her. Joey took a good look at her bedroom and started to cry, sniffing and wiping away the salty tears from her cheeks; she never liked seeing people cry because she never knew what to do to help and every time it happened, she found herself just standing there and looking at that person with a weird look on her face, and she hated even more when she had the urge to cry. The worst thing was that she couldn’t help it, most of the time she never even realized she was crying until she felt her cheeks wet.

“Darling, are you ready to go?” asked the woman. The little girl grabbed her luggage and made her way out of her house, closing the door right behind her and never looking back; she thought that if she looked back at it, she would start to weep again, and she certainly didn’t want for that to happen in front of a total stranger.

The car ride wasn’t that long, she’d spent the entirety of it gazing out of the window and taking in all the details that surrounded them. Despite her best judgment she couldn’t start to hate sunny days, they were just too delightful and full of joy that she thought she ought to like them anyway; hating these kinds of days would have meant hating happiness and warm hugs and she couldn’t possibly do that.

During their little journey to the children’s home Joey had found out that the old woman was actually the matron of the institute and she made a mental note not to get on her nerves any more than she already had, she wouldn’t want to be punished or anything of that sort. The brunette thought that maybe the woman had expected her to start weeping any moment now, which was a justifiable thought seeing as she had just lost everything there was in her life and was about to embark on a new kind of life, certainly worse than the one she was accustomed to; but truth was that the little girl was exceptional at hiding her true feelings, putting on fake smiles and leading others to think she was fine and was very far from breaking down, which wasn’t at all true.

She didn’t know what time it was when the car finally stopped and the old lady dragged her out of the vehicle, she didn’t pay much attention to her, she just hurried up and walked toward a tall grey institute. From the outside it looked old, the yellow paint was chipped and was more of a greyish color than it was originally, and the stairs creaked at every step they took to get to the main door; Joey looked around her and then back at the building in which she would have spent the majority of her youth in and found her mind running back to her actual house and the memories she had made there. She couldn’t believe that everything she had could be taken away from her just like that, it all felt too surreal.

“Sweetheart?” the lady called out for her, holding the door open for her to get in. “Shall we?”

The girl just nodded and proceeded to keep walking. The hallway was dominated by an unbearable silence, she couldn’t hear a single thing and that made her think that maybe there wasn’t anyone around. The matron seemed to realize what the brunette must have been thinking as she took her hand to lead her to a room upstairs.

“This will be your room for the entirety of the time you’ll be spending here.” Explained the woman, showing her her bed and the little to none space she was provided for her belongings. “I suggest you unpack your luggage and change clothes, I’ll accompany you to the dining room as soon as you’re ready.”

“Okay,” the girl replied carefully, still holding on to her luggage. “thank you.”

The woman left the room and gave her a moment of privacy. Joey sat down on the bed and slowly looked around the room, which she now realized was very small; there were five beds in the room, each of them as tidy as ever, not a single thing seemed to be out of place in there, which led the brunette to believe that either she was the first one to step foot into the room or the other girls were taught to tidy everything up and make sure everything was in its place. She decided to stand up and unpack the few belongings she was allowed to take with her, mostly clothes and her little stuffed animal, because she couldn’t sleep without it.

She made sure to put everything in order and then she changed her clothes, just as Matron advised her to. After having tidied everything up, she checked again in case she had forgotten something; she exited the room, closing the door behind her, and was met with the scrutinizing gaze of the old lady. She didn’t say a word and turned around, Joey followed her and soon found herself standing in front of a dining room filled with a ton of kids and teenagers talking and eating vigorously.

She stood still, expecting Matron to say something to her or even take her out of her trance but she shortly realized that she was standing there with no one by her side so she took a few steps forward, shily entering the room and hoping that nobody would look at her. She went to take her plate covered in food and a bottle of water and sat down at the first table she found which wasn’t completely full. She reckoned it was best if she stayed alone, she wasn’t in the mood to make new friends anyway.

As she started eating, she sensed someone looking at her, probably curious and wanting to know who the new girl was and what had happened to her. She tried to ignore the stare of the blonde girl sitting just a few seats away from her, but she was getting irritated.

“Got something to tell me?” She asked sarcastically, not even bothering to turn around and look at the girl. She was sure she heard her though.

“What?” the blonde replied, a little confused and taken aback.

“You’ve been staring at me for a few minutes now.” Joey explained, ingurgitating the remaining of her dinner. “So you either want to talk to me or you find me a very interesting subject to look at.”

“Oh…” The girl gasped, moving a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. “Sorry, was just trying to understand if you’re new or not.”

“Yeah, I am.” The brunette admitted, fumbling with her fingers on her red sweater; she was freezing.

“Oh, erm, okay then.” She hesitated. “Can I sit next to you?”

“Why? Don’t fancy your current seat?” Joey scoffed; she didn’t understand why that girl wanted to keep the conversation going. No one ever made such an effort to get her attention before.

“Kind of.” The girl replied, smiling at her, not at all annoyed by how the brunette had talked to her. “So?”

“I mean, if you really want to.” Joey said, feeling slightly embarrassed by the whole situation. Before she didn’t really have any friends, in fact she never actually socialized with other kids in her class; besides, it didn’t seem like _they_ wanted to get to know her. So, she often came off too rude or defensive when somebody tried to talk to her or even show interest in her.

“Hi, I’m Jen!” the blonde told her as soon as she sat down next to her, she was really bubbly that one. Although the little girl had annoyed her at first – she didn’t understand how someone living in a child’s house could be that happy- Joey had decided that she would at least try to be polite. “Been here for a while, it isn’t the best of places, but I like it. Do you ‘fancy’ it?”

“I’m Joey.” The brunette told her, introducing herself. “And, erm, I guess? I’ve only been here for a few minutes.”

“I like your name!” exclaimed the other, smiling brightly. The little girl seemed to brighten up the whole room, it was nice. “You know, everyone here is practically an orphan but there’s this one boy, name’s Pacey Witter, who actually has parents still alive, and he’s got brothers and sisters too. Friend of mine, we came here at the same time, both our families don’t want us, so we got along quite well.”

“Didn’t know they took in children with a family still.”

“Oh, yes…” Jen was whispering now. “Found out my family pays them to keep me here, but I have no idea about my friend’s family. Anyway, I didn’t come here right after my parents disowned me; they sent me to my grams, I really love her you know? And I miss her too, she got sick one day and after a while she died so social services tried to contact my parents, asking them if they wanted to take custody or something like that but they said they’d rather not, so I got stuck here. Been here for two years now, came here at 10 and now I’m 12, time flies, right?”

“I’m sorry Jen.” The blonde girl didn’t look fazed though, maybe she was just hiding it behind a comforting smile but, obviously, Joey couldn’t know for sure because she barely knew anything about her. She wasn’t great at helping others either, so she was relieved when Jen didn’t look sad or near anything of that sort.

“Oh,” She exhaled, still offering her one of the warmest smiles she had ever seen. “it’s not your fault! Things like this happen, you sort of get used to it.”

“I don’t think that I can.” Josephine Potter admitted for the first time since she heard the bad news; she thought that she ought to say something as sincere as what the girl with the blonde hair had confessed to her, plus she seemed trustworthy.

“Trust me, no matter whatever happened to you and your family, you will.”

_Well,_ Joey thought, _at least she’s forthright_.

* * *

The rest of the evening went on really slowly much to Joey’s appreciation, who only wanted to lay down on her bed and sleep, hoping everything will be just fine the morning after. Obviously, it wasn’t.

When she woke up the next day, eyes puffy and shivering because of the cold air that was coming from the open window, she was lying in an unknown bed surrounded by strangers. She wasn’t home, her mom didn’t wake her up, her sister wasn’t in her room listening to music and her dad wasn’t in the kitchen making breakfast; she was alone now, her family was gone.

She was woken up abruptly by none other than the blonde girl named Jen; she had decided that they would become best friends and Joey, not knowing what to do, just went along with it. She could use a friend and Jen was really pleasant to have around, even if, she had to admit, she could be a lot sometimes.

Her first evening in St. Louise she had discovered that they shared the same room and the little girl got so excited that she convinced a short black-haired girl to switch beds so that Joey could be next to her. Joey was annoyed but agreed nonetheless; as the days passed, she realized there was no point in disagreeing with Jennifer Lindley, if she wanted something she sure as hell would get it; she admired her for this.

“Good morning sunshine!” Jen exclaimed, ripping the blankets off of Joey’s sleeping body. “You better hurry up if you don’t want to get detention on your first day of school.”

She’d been there for a week and a half now and Matron had talked to her privately one day, they were sitting in her office- which, by the way, didn’t look very welcoming – and she pushed a pile of books under her nose, expecting her to take them. She had told her that she was supposed to start school the next day but didn’t say much more, and with a wave of her hand dismissed her and told her to go back to her room. Joey had spent the whole day reading her new books, curious about finding out what was written in them and trying to distract herself from thinking.

Two days after her arrival at St. Louise Matron told her that her family’s funeral was to take place that afternoon but Joey refused to go, leaving the old woman speechless. As much as she really wanted to go to see them one last time, even if in caskets, she wasn’t ready to say goodbye just yet; she knew she would regret that decision but at the time it seemed like that was the best thing she could do.

“Ugh,” she protested, getting out of bed and changing from her pajamas into her school uniform. “it isn’t fair. I want to sleep.”

Jen helped her make the bed and tidy up her little space, putting everything in order with caution. It was evident that the girl was used to this by now.

“You sleep too much, Jo.” The blonde said, reaching for her books and exiting the room, instantly followed by the brunette. “There’s so much to do during the day.”

“Yeah, right.” Joey chuckled. “I’m sure Matron could give you something to do, if you’re so eager to get things done.”

“Laugh as much as you want, but I like keeping myself occupied. Doesn’t make me overthink.”

Joey didn’t know how to reply so she remained silent for the rest of their walk to school, if that could be called school. It was an old building, in better conditions than St. Louise’s Institute but still old, and inside there were only two classrooms and bathrooms; it looked so small in comparison to her previous school.

“So,” Jen said, opening the door of the classroom. “I usually sit next to Abby but if you want, we could sit together? She won’t mind.”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Joey reassured her; she didn’t want her to ditch one of her friends for her. “I’ll be okay, go sit with her.”

“Okay.” Jen smiled back at her. “See you during break?”

“Of course!”

She spent the first two hours of lessons listening to her teacher explaining their English program for the year- they had to study a lot of things, Joey reckoned- and asking them about their summers and what they had done to entertain themselves at St. Louise. No one dared to ask Joey though, they knew it was better not to ask.

The brunette followed her lessons carefully, scribbling down on her notebook every ounce of information she could grasp but after their lunch break it had become more difficult to keep up with everything. Someone sitting in a desk behind her kept trying to get her attention, distracting her and throwing little pieces of paper at her; at first, she ignored it, trying not to let it bother her and she focused on what their teacher was explaining but at some point, it was just too much. She turned around quickly, glaring at whoever was sitting behind her- she immediately found out it was a boy- and started talking.

“Could you, _please,_ stop?” she whisper-yelled at the boy, she had to keep her calm if she didn’t want the teacher to give her detention on the first day. “Someone is trying to follow the lesson here.”

The boy, much to her surprise, didn’t say a word and looked down at his book as if nothing had even happened. _Strange boy_ , Joey thought.

After that small inconvenience the rest of the school day went on pretty well; she was content to be back at school, she really loved to learn new stuff. The teachers were nice and competent, as much as a twelve-year-old could understand at least, and they didn’t make a fuss about her starting in the middle of the school year; she just had to keep up, they told her.

“So,” Jen said to her as they exited the classroom, books in their arms; another girl was walking with her, she supposed it was Abby. “I see you’ve met my friend.”

The brunette was confused by her statement, looking at her friend with an arched brow. Jen, the brunette had discovered, was easygoing and very well known in the orphanage so she could be referring to whoever; but, since Joey was walking toward the institute with the two girls by her side, she presumed Jen was referring to the tiny girl widely grinning at their common friend.

“Oh, yeah,” she replied, trying not to sound as confused and pointing her eyes at the girl next to the blonde. “Abby is it?”

“Yes!” answered the girl eagerly. “Nice to meet you.”

“Not her, silly!” Jen giggled. “And you, don’t encourage her! I was talking about my other friend, Pacey Witter?”

“Who?” Joey had no idea who that person was and tried to recall the entirety of the morning, but still couldn’t find as near as an answer to her own question.

“Someone said my name?” the same boy who had been bothering her in class came to view, putting an arm around Jen’s waist and kissing her cheek. He was shorter than the blonde girl, hence why he wrapped his arm around Jen’s waist and not her shoulders, and his smile reminded Joey of the sun, just watching him smile could make you feel warm. It was a rather strange feeling; she had never seen such a smile. “Oi, what’s your friend’s name?”

She was so captured by his smile that she had forgotten about everything around her for a moment; she wondered if they noticed.

“You know,” Jen said, shrugging her shoulders and friendly punching his arm. “I’d tell you but then again she’s right her so ask her yourself.”

Joey laughed at that; it was nice to have Jen around.

“Hey,” The boy, Pacey she believed was his name, gently tugged at her sleeve to get her attention. “what’s your name?”

“Mmh” she mumbled, deciding whether or not to tell the boy her name. She opted for not telling him; if he really wanted to know he’d have to earn it. “None of your business.”

He frowned but kept looking at her, following the girl upstairs and into the common room.

“’C’mon!” he pleaded, dramatically getting down on his knees. “Tell me, please.”

“Nope.” Said the brunette firmly and pulling out her tongue at him. “Come on, Jen, let’s go eat. I’m starving!”

Surely that wouldn’t be the last time she’d have the boy bothering her.


	2. There is a happy land

_There is a happy land where only children live,_

_They don’t have the time to learn the ways of you sir, Mr. Grownup._

_There’s a special place and adults aren’t allowed there Mr. Grownup_

_Go away sir_

Sunday 26th November 1995

The first two months at St. Louise went by so quickly she didn’t even comprehend how that could have been possible; but then again, the days there were all the same: getting up early, having breakfast, going to school, having the petulant boy sitting behind her distract her and occasionally pulling some pranks at her, which she obviously counteracted, then eating lunch with Jen and Abby- she found out she was actually quite fun if you went past all the judging looks- and then back to the Institute, studying, eating again and going to bed. Truly exciting days she had spent!

The only day she had actually enjoyed was Halloween; the older kids had gone from room to room to give everyone candies, which they had probably stolen from the kitchen, and during the day matron let them run around and have fun, they even decorated the dining room for that special occasion. Joey had discovered that the old lady wasn’t that bad, she cared about the kids at St. Louise and she actually liked festivities – Jen even told her that during Christmas the building would be very different from how she knew it. She couldn’t wait to see that with her own eyes.

One really boring day, it must have been a Sunday, Joey reckoned, Jen Lindley had dragged her out of bed before sunrise and cautiously walked them to the boys’ common rooms where waiting for them there was none other than Pacey Witter. The boy was holding something under his arm, she couldn’t really make out what it was exactly, though she would find out not much later what that was; leaning his back on the wall he jumped up as soon as his eyes found them.

“Ready to go, ladies?” He asked smirking at the two and nodding at Joey, he still hadn’t discovered her name and the brunette made sure that both Jen and Abby wouldn’t tell him. First of all because she didn’t like him and second of all because she thought that maybe one day he’d get tired of it and leave her alone. “Sup, love? Didn’t know you liked to break rules.”

Joey’s eyes widened and she looked at them both with her mouth opened in a “o” shape. “We’re breaking rules?!” she exclaimed, shocked. “Jen, you didn’t tell me we were going to break rules!”

She had never gone against rules before, in fact she always made sure to stay in her place and do as she was told, plus she didn’t want to get detention because of these two. God only knew what they were up to!

“Oi, try not to yell maybe? We don’t want the entire building to wake up.” Pacey advised her, his voice a serious whisper. He was tugging at her shirt with one hand and holding his belongings with the other.

“Don’t touch me, idiot!” she hissed, shoving him away. “It was your idea, wasn’t it?”

“How highly you think of me.” He teased her, he certainly appeared to be enjoying himself; Joey, on the other hand, couldn’t say the same thing for her.

“Uh, a new word! That’s weird, you know, since you never listen during our lessons” she remarked, glaring at him. “

He rolled his eyes, still holding her glare. “Getting on your nerves is way more entertaining, thank you very much.”

“Don’t I know it.” She murmured, folding her arms on her chest and looking away.

“And by the way, Joey,” Jen said, intervening and breaking the two apart, putting herself between them. “it was my idea.”

“JEN!” Joey let out exasperated, her hands on her face.

“Ah!” cheered Pacey hugging the blonde girl, who still looked oblivious about the whole situation. “Jennifer Lindley, you beauty!”

“What?” she asked, not realizing what she had just done. “What’s going on?”

“You’re the best friend a boy could ever ask for, that’s what.” He affirmed, quite satisfied about his new victory. “Shall we go now?”

The brunette whined, rolling her eyes, but followed them anyway. They made their way downstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, and then out of the building; they walked in total silence for a few minutes and when they stopped right outside of a small building Joey looked at the two with a questioning look on her face.

“What’s this?” She asked them as the other two kids made their way in through a broken window- she hoped she wouldn’t get hurt whilst attempting to get in, that would be difficult to explain without setting herself up for detention.

“It’s our secret place.” Jen explained to her once they got in and sat on old and dusty armchairs. The place wasn’t that bad actually, it needed some cleaning yes, but it was nice; inside it was just another story, it didn’t resemble its outside at all, the place was scattered with band posters, chairs and a couch, and the light coming in through the crevices splattered in the ceiling reflected itself on the various mirrors in the room, making the area turn a yellowish color. “We come here every time we feel like it.”

“I like it.” Joey admitted, her eyes still wandering about the room, wanting to take in every little detail. “It’s unique, suits you two.”

“Is this supposed to be a compliment or?” Pacey asked, making Jen giggle and slapping him arm. He was looking at his lap, where attentively placed lay a thin package. Joey was tempted to ask what that was, but said nothing and simply waited for one of them to speak.

“Want to listen to some music?” the boy asked, getting up from his seat and walking toward an old record player. “Gretchen sent this to me,” he spoke again, holding up a vinyl with young man on the cover and the name ‘ _David Bowie’_ on it. “she told me she stole some money from mom and dad and bought it for me. Sent it last Christmas.”

“Lovely girl,” Jen commented, smiling at her friend. The brunette felt out of place there, it looked like she was intruding in a private moment, and she tried to hide herself, feeling smaller than she already was. “I wish I could meet her someday.”

“When we’ll get out of here.” The boy remarked, a sad smile adorning his face. “My parents don’t want her to visit me.”

Joey was found dumbfounded by that sentence, her mind now travelling and reminiscing about her own family. As much as she wanted to forget everything, to erase the fact that she had actually had somebody who cared about her, she knew that she would never free herself of their memory. She would never forget her sister’s face and how every night before going to sleep they would sit on the bed together and talk about how they had spent their day or how whenever something bothered her Joey would go to her sister and she would hug her and make her smile again; she had always been capable of making her happy but no more now.

“Jo?” the blonde girl called her, catching her attention. She looked up, smiling woefully at her friend. “Everything alright?”

She nodded, averting her eyes, which were staring at her attentively in search of something wrong. Pacey cleared his throat, catching both of their attention; Joey was thankful for that.

“Do you fancy Bowie?” he asked her with a wide grin, already prepared to put the record on. The brunette raised a brow at him, uncertain as per why he was talking in an accent that wasn’t his, then shook her hand and looked away.

“Turning into British people, aren’t we Witter?” Jen mocked him; her smile even wider than the one on Pacey’s face. They made each other happy, it didn’t take a genius to know that, and, during her brief time at St. Louise, Joey had discovered that the two were actually quite inseparable. _It must be nice to have a friend like that,_ she found herself thinking one day looking at the two arguing amiably over something during lunch, _I wonder what it’s like_ _to have someone who makes you that happy and to be capable of making them happy the same way._ She used to have her sister, but she never actually had a friendship like the one Pacey and Jen shared. “We’d have to thank our new entry here, eh?”

“Oh,” Joey exclaimed, understanding only now that they were making fun of her. At least that was what it looked like to her. “sorry. My mom used to talk like that, if it bothers you I can- “

“We’re just kidding, Potter!” blurted the blonde girl giggling. “I’m sorry if I sounded rude, honestly I think it’s all Witter’s fault. He’s a really bad influence that one.”

“Oi!” protested the boy, putting the record on and nodding his head to the melody that soon played in the room. “C’mere, let’s dance!”

He took Jen’s hand and swirled her around; she laughed, her head reclining a bit back as she let out a harmonious sound and continued dancing with her friend. Joey just sat there observing them and listening to the beautiful voice of David Bowie; the song did sound familiar to her, maybe it was one of the songs her sister always played in the morning to properly wake up, but she couldn’t quite remember.

“May I have this dance milady?” suddenly Pacey asked her, his hand out for her to take and a big smirk on his face. His cheeks were red, probably because of all the dancing, and his brown eyes were gleaming; he looked too damn happy that Joey couldn’t have it in her to say no to him. If she could be a part of someone’s happiness, then why not right?

“Mmh,” she mumbled, getting up and taking his hand. “just ‘cause I love this song.”

“Good taste you’ve got.” He remarked, moving around the room with the two girls.

“Shut up and dance!” she said, trying to sound unfazed, but a hint of smile lay on her lips as she kept swaying around the room with the two best friends.

If that was what every day from now on would be like, maybe she could get used to it.


	3. Little talks

_You're gone, gone, gone away  
I watched you disappear  
All that's left is a ghost of you  
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart  
There's nothing we can do  
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon_

_Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around  
I'll see you when I fall asleep_

Tuesday 19th December 1995

December at St. Louise was so much different from the rest of the year, especially as Christmas was approaching. The entire building, girls’ and boys’ dormitories included, were decorated in shiny red, silver and gold colors and in the hall stood a big evergreen tree which was adorned in the weirdest way; Matron had probably found a bunch of old decorations laying around and put all of them on the majestic tree not caring if their colors didn’t match or if some of them were chipped, they were all so different but strangely belonged together and looked beautiful to Joey’s eyes. Looking at the tree took her back in time, when she was just a little girl and her dad would put her on his shoulders to help her decorate the highest parts of the tree while her sister was in kitchen making cookies and her mom would sing along to a Christmassy song. If there was a moment she would never forget it would be Christmas; she would always stay up late to wait for her gifts and on Christmas morning she would jolt out of bed, dragging her sister downstairs and shouting excitedly while she sat down and looked at the perfectly wrapped presents under the tree, most of the times her mother had to unwrap them for her because she didn’t want to destroy the colorful paper.

Obviously she didn’t expect to receive any more presents now that she was an orphan, but having the Institute decorated was enough for her.

She soon realized that during this joyful time even suppers were better, there was more food and the atmosphere in the dining room was particularly pleasing; everything seemed so much better during the holidays that for a moment she had forgotten all about her family. She had spent the majority of December goofing around with Jen, and occasionally Pacey, when the blonde girl persisted on inviting him to tag along, and studying or doing homework that was assigned to them before the end of classes.

She had managed to study most of the topics she had missed on before her arrival at the Institute, only a few chapters on history were missing, and she was one of the best students in mathematics and english; Pacey mocked her because of that, calling her ‘teacher’s pet’ whenever she got the courage to answer a question in class or talk about something that picked her curiosity, but she was quite proud of her achievements. It wasn’t easy at all but at least she could say that she was trying, that was something that a certain brunet boy couldn’t say for himself.

“What do you mean you won’t be here for a week?” Joey was asking her friend; she was sitting on her bed and her nose had previously been on a book that was abandoned on her legs as soon as the blonde had given her the news. “You have nowhere else to go, Jen.”

Jen shrugged, not daring to look the brunette in the eyes, “Not exactly,” she said softly, she didn’t sound happy, Joey noticed. “My parents, uh…”

“I thought you said they didn’t want you as their daughter.” Joey pointed out, repeating exactly what the girl had told her a while ago. She probably sounded rude because she noticed her friend frowning for a second, but she hid that pretty fast that Joey thought it didn’t even happen.

“Yeah, well,” scoffed the blonde, getting up from the bed and walking around the room. “they still don’t want me, but they do have a reputation to maintain.”

Joey immediately understood what she was trying to tell her, so she got up and walked toward her, taking her hand and smiling weakly. ‘ _How could someone not want her?_ ’ that was the first thing that popped up in her mind as she looked at the girl in front of her, ‘ _Why don’t they care?_ ’.

And then it dawned on her, she never really asked her what had happened; was it something bad? What could a ten-year-old girl possibly do to have her parents not want her? Was it even her fault?

“I’m sorry.” She whispered to her, Jen finally looked up and she could see that her eyes were gleaming with tears and it was only a matter of seconds until she’d let them out. But she didn’t, she never did.

Somehow Joey found herself thinking that she had never met someone that stubborn and strong in her life; she admired Jen for that, for doing exactly what she wanted, for not showing others her weaknesses, for persisting and obtaining what she had set her mind to, but she admired her mostly for her kind heart. Jen Lindley was truly amazing, she would always offer to help someone in need of it and she would always be there to put a smile on your face; so how could someone, who was supposed to love her unconditionally, not love her at all? How could they send her away and still making her live under their rules?

“They’re forcing me to do this, and I can’t refuse or do anything about it.” Jen said petulantly; she let go of Joey’s hand and sat on the cold floor. “Apparently they told everyone the reason why I’m not home, if I can even call that place _home_ , is that I’ve been sent to a private school. You know, like the ones where rich children go to. I suppose I would have gone to one of these eventually if they had wanted me, better that I didn’t.”

Her voice didn’t break and not a single tear had dared to escape from her glimmering/watery chocolate brown eyes; instead there was anger, the kind that makes you want to scream and hope that the wind takes your pain away. Anger was a way of showing pain, and Joey knew that like the back of her hand; it was something that would stay there, at first quiet and then it would come out loud and deafening and it would kill you inside until you’d do something, anything, to make it stop.

“Sometimes I wish,” Jen spoke again, but stopped almost instantly. There was something bothering her, and she wanted and _needed_ to get it out, but for some reason she didn’t say another word and Joey thought about asking her what she was about to reveal to her, but she didn’t say a word either.

She knew that if she had asked her the answer would have been cruel, and she didn’t want her to say it out loud, it was best for everyone if that thought stayed in her head.

_Sometimes I wish they were dead._

* * *

Wednesday 20th December 1995

They didn’t even have enough time to have breakfast together that Jen had already been accompanied out of the door by a weird-looking man, who, in Joey’s opinion, resembled a crow, and got in a black car, closing the door so that no one could see her; Joey pouted but turned around without saying a word. Everyone around her was looking out of the windows and talking about the blonde girl, as if it was something so out of the ordinary- they should have been used to it by now, but they weren’t, and Joey got annoyed by a few things a group of children were saying-, the whispers and giggles were excruciatingly painful to listen to. The brunette had no idea people could be that insensitive.

“I don’t see why she stays here when she’s got parents and a house.” Complained a girl with red hair sitting on the windowsill; she was surrounded by three other people, two girls and a blond boy. The boy nodded in agreement.

“They probably don’t want her because she’s not smart enough.” He said, his arms crossed on his chest. Joey stayed put, hidden behind a column, but she really wanted to say something to defend her friend. “I heard that she has some anger issues, a boy told me she fought with somebody in her old school, pushed them down the stairs or something.”

“Hey, Dawson!” shouted a male voice that she recognized almost instantly, Pacey Witter. “How about you shut up and spare everyone from listening to your annoying voice?” the girls giggled, and the blond guy glared at them, infuriated. They left, still giggling and whispering things to each other.

“How about _you_ shut up, witless?” replied the blond one. Joey wasn’t sure if she had seen him before, but he looked familiar; he was a scrawny small child who looked like he had no friends and was in strong need of validation and attention from others, but somehow he seemed so confident that even the brunet boy, who Joey knew very well how much confidence exuded, looked like he was a nobody.

“Again with this nickname?” Pacey laughed, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms, “You know, for a boy who says he’s full of imagination I’d think you’d actually use it.” He straightened up and looked him dead in the eyes, grinning. “But I guess you’re not all you say you are, right Oompa Loompa?”

The other boy, Dawson, widened his eyes and his face began to redden; he took a few steps toward Pacey and huffed out something that Joey couldn’t catch, but it must have been something really bad seeing as how the brunet had stiffened and looked paler than usual. She saw Dawson looking the boy up and down and gripping at his t-shirt, Pacey pushed him away but didn’t move other than that.

Joey decided to intervene, not wanting them to take this too far. She slowly walked toward the two boys, trying to look unbothered by the things she had seen and heard.

“Here you are!” she exclaimed, stopping in front of Pacey, who stared at her confused. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere, Pace!”

“Uh,” he mumbled, “okay?”

Joey looked at Dawson, her eyes narrow and a fake smile on her lips. “Sorry,” she said, sounding sweeter than she intended to, “could you please leave? I have to talk to my friend here.”

The boy nodded, incredulous, and walked away. She sighed and sat down on the windowsill, passing a hand through her hair, frustrated; she heard the boy move and sit down next to her and imagined he was looking at her. Joey closed her eyes for a second, breathing heavily.

“Why are you here?” Pacey asked her, finally giving in and interrupting the uncomfortable silence that had filled the room.

She shrugged, “Thought you might need a hand.”

“From you?” he sounded surprised by her statement; she looked at him and noticed he had a cold expression painted on his face, his eyebrows creased and his body tensed against the window. Whatever that guy had told him must have made him angry or touched something in him, because she could see that in his eyes; there was something different in the way he looked at her and talked.

“Yeah, well,” she scoffed, offended. “someone had to do something. Next time don’t expect me to do anything, I guess.”

 _“_ I don’t need your help, Potter.” He said, his voice hoarse. Joey stood up immediately, shocked by his harsh tone; and to think that she thought she was doing something helpful for once, to think she thought he’d appreciate it and actually thank her for it. She should have expected it. “And even if I did need help, I wouldn’t want you to be the one to offer it to me. We’re not friends, remember?”

“Okay then.” She said bitterly, her voice quavering as she quickly turned around and left before anyone noticed that her eyes were starting to prickle with tears. 

What an eventful Christmas would it be.

* * *

Monday 25th December

“ _Dear Joey, Merry Christmas!_

_I don’t know when you’ll read this letter, but I hope it will come as soon as possible. It’s really boring here, and Helen and Theodore (my parents) keep telling me to behave and do this or that and honestly I really can’t wait to go back to St. Louise’._

_I can’t even sleep too much because I ‘ought’ to meet important people and let them know I am still their perfect daughter and that school’s fine. Can you believe it? I have to lie for them!_

_I hope you’re okay and that you’re enjoying Christmas, I know I won’t but the thought of one of us actually having a good time is enough. Please, wish a happy Christmas to Pacey and Abby from me._

_I miss you so much! See you soon!_

_Love,_

_Jen.”_

Joey read the letter that was handed to her over breakfast very slowly, trying to process every word that had been written on the yellowish paper. She didn’t think Jen would write to her, but she was glad she had because at least now she knew she was okay.

For the past few days she hadn’t stopped thinking about her friend and how she would be in that unfamiliar house, she had hoped everything would be fine and tried to keep positive thoughts, even though it wasn’t easy to do so. Another thing that hadn’t left her mind was a certain young boy at whom she was still mad.

She couldn’t believe the audacity of that brunet boy, telling her such rude things and not even apologizing to her for being so harsh when all she wanted to do was help him get out of an unpleasant situation. She hadn’t seen him since that day he told her he didn’t need her help and, although she was curious as per why Pacey had disappeared all of a sudden, she didn’t try to look for him or ask anyone if they’d seen him. It was better like this, she didn’t want to see him anyway.

“Abby,” Joey called the girl sitting in front of her, all her attention directed to a group of girls who were gossiping about something. “It’s from Jen. She wishes you a happy Christmas.”

“How sweet of her!” exclaimed the girl, her cheeks flushed as she finished eating her porridge. “I hope she’s okay there. Did she say anything else?”

Josephine smiled and handed her the letter so that she could see it herself. “It’s really brief actually, I don’t think they let her do much.”

“Poor girl.” Abby said, the crumpled-up paper still in her hands. “It’s not fair, they’re messing with her head.”

“What do you mean?” the brunette asked, picking at her food absentmindedly.

Abby cleared her throat ,“I mean,” she leaned closer to her, locking their eyes together. “they don’t want her, but they certainly need her and, as she said, they’re making her lie for them and I suppose they’re also acting like loving parents when they have guests over so she might start to think that they care for her.”

“I don’t think so.” Joey retorted, “She even wrote that she can’t wait to come back here. It must be really bad to live with them if she wants to come back to St. Louise’ so badly.”

“Jo, c’mon!” Abby exclaimed.

“What?” asked the brunette. “She’s not stupid, clearly she must know they’re using her.”

“She’s also just a kid,” replied Abby, putting the letter down on the table. “as are we.”

She straightened her back and looked at her plate, thinking about her words and what that implied. It was true, they were just children and that could mean a lot of things, but most of all it meant that a flicker of hope could lead even the most stubborn person to think that every rotten thing could be changed for the better.

When you’re young you think you can do everything, you dream about changing the world and having everything you’ve ever wanted at your disposal; in that case, Jen wanted to be loved, it was pretty obvious. She wouldn’t be stupid or naïve to hope that her parents could have a little love to give to her, it wouldn’t even be childish; it was human, and what wasn’t more human than the crave for love?

“I guess you’re right.” Joey whispered, “We’re all just kids.”

\-------

The rest of the day had passed by her eyes very slowly; when you have very little to do to entertain yourself and, most importantly, when you have no one to spend the day with, time always seems to slow down. It’s ironic, actually, how the best moments of your life go by as quick as a blink of an eye and you somewhat only realize their true value once they’re gone; but the saddest most painful ones are longer, or at least they feel like it.

It was just around 5 p.m. when, due to the loud noises in the entire building, she decided to find refuge in a much calmer and quieter place. So she jumped off her bed with a book under her arm and she walked out in the cold wintery air to go to Jen and Pacey’s secret spot; they had told her it was hers too, but she couldn’t find that true just yet.

As she climbed the window and entered the small dark space, she realized she wasn’t the only one in search of a safe place to hide. A soft tune was coming from the record player, and Joey thought about backing up and leave the room unnoticed until she heard a sob from the boy sitting on the floor.

She froze in her steps, unsure about what to do. Only a few days ago he had explicitly told her that he didn’t want her help; they weren’t friends, and he wasn’t wrong about that, all the time she had spent with him was because Jen had asked her to try and get along with him, but they didn’t like each other, he didn’t like her, so why did she want to help him? Maybe it was just plain and simple sympathy, nothing more.

She shook her head, as if to make the thoughts go away, and as she was about to retreat and exit the room, leaving the weeping boy behind her, his voice echoed through the room.

“You can stay,” he whispered, but Joey heard his words so clearly that it seemed to her that he was standing at her side and not sitting at the other extremity of the room. “I don’t mind.”

“Oh.” she let out, barely being able to speak. “Are you sure?”

“Of course.” He patted the spot beside him and invited her to join him, “Stay.”

So she walked through the room in silence and sat down right next to him, glancing occasionally at the boy as she read her book to keep her mind occupied with something other than questions she was dying to ask.

Pacey leaned forward and peered over her shoulders, “What are you reading?” he asked.

“Nothing important,” she replied. “just something for school.”

He nudged at her side, “Nerd.” he said jokingly. There was a hint of a smile on his lips, but Joey thought it was the saddest one she had ever seen.

“Jerk.” she murmured; her brown eyes didn’t leave his.

“You’re not wrong about that.” the boy’s smile faltered, he looked sad and regretful. “Look, about the other day…”

She cut him off before he could finish his sentence. “It’s okay, I got the message. Besides we’re not really friends, so you were right about that.”

“I’m sorry if I took my anger out on you.” He told her in a soft hush, she shyly looked away; a moment of silent followed after the brunet’s apology. Joey then shifted on her seat, looking at him again.

“Can I ask you a question?” she said.

“Shoot.”

She hesitated for a second, “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you apparently.” He replied, crossing his arms behind his head and closing his eyes.

“How long have you been staying here?”

“Not much, few days maybe.”

“But the other boys and Matron and-“ He could have gotten in trouble for that; did no one notice he wasn’t around for days?

“They don’t care.” he admitted, looking down at the dusty pavement. “And they probably didn’t notice either.”

 _I did,_ she wanted to say, _I noticed._ But she was still holding a grudge for their last conversation and she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that somebody had actually thought about him and noticed his absence.

“So,” Joey said, “why did you hide?”

Pacey looked up quickly, concern was all over his face, but it soon washed over as the music changed and he got up pulling the brunette with him. She was taken by surprise, her eyes widening and she almost fell on the ground, but was fast enough to grab the boy’s arm to steady herself.

“Let’s dance!” he uttered; his words echoed in the room while the music kept playing in the background. “It’s Christmas after all, no need to talk about sad stuff today, right?”

“Alright then.” She exhaled, nodding. “Merry Christmas, Witter.”

“Merry Christmas, Potter.”


End file.
